I was sitting at home yesterday, doing some studying (as usual), and a couple of things just kinda hit me about myself. A self-revelation so to say. This might be a little personal, but oh well, if you aren't interested...forewarning...stop reading...at about...here... ;)
A few relationships I've had have ended in the exact same way.
That's a little strange, right? It seemed a little odd to me until I really though about why. For the last several years (after each one individually), I went through the blaming myself part, and the racking it up to the guy just being a jerk part...but what it really comes down to is me, that's the part that I can control. I realized that I avoid confrontation, I avoid the conversations that have to do with how I feel, I avoid looking inward. I can help others with their feelings and emotions all day long, but when it comes to me...I avoid it, I think about it too much, I overanalyze it all.
I realized I don't have a relationship with myself. I don't really know me. This kinda makes it hard to say how I feel, or to stand up for myself in any situation where I feel taken advantage of. I can stand up for others without any second thought. But for myself, it's a different story, unless it's with my mom, certain family members, or my best friends. (The unconditional love relationships that I've been blessed to have).
Hence, I have decided to build a relationship with myself. To really get to know me. To enjoy spending time with me...not just in the introverted, self-replenishing way that I'm used to, but in a way where I venture out and do things, with just me.
So I guess you could say that I've decided to date myself. haha. But not exclusively...I mean, c'mon.
Anyhow, date one: I went to see Fast and Furious 6 yesterday...loved sitting in the theater by myself. Loved laughing by myself. It was releasing in a way. There was no one to impress, or to judge me about the things I laughed at. It was just me, being me with me. I liked it and I felt comfortable just being with myself in public. I know a lot of people don't like to do anything alone. Especially go to eat by themselves...but it's healthy to do things with yourself.
The way I choose to look at it is you're spending time with yourself, you're going out with yourself...you're not doing something alone. You have yourself. To be alone sounds to me like you're not even with yourself...I think that's how I've felt for the last little bit and I think it's time to get back in touch with me. To get acquainted.
So cheers! Here's to me and me...may it be a lasting relationship, filled with love and acceptance. :)
P.S. Yeah, the guys were jerks, but it came down to more than that. ;)
